Remember Monopoly? Remember the card that said, “Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go.” Well, I think there should be a facebook jail. As your facebook friends, we should be allowed to revoke your status updating or wall posting privileges for a specific amount of time while you sit in facebook jail. And your other facebook friends should be allowed to see what landed you there. For example:
James Richardson has been sent to facebook jail for three days due to violation of rules #1, #4, and #5.
Here is my list of potential violations. Tell me what you think.
1) Taking pictures of food.
We get it. It was good. Call someone, tell your waiter how much you enjoyed your meal, or post a review on yelp.
2) Hashtags in every single status update
I hate this show #nothingontelevision
I’m bored #boredwithmylife
3) Putting your co-workers or company on blast
So you can’t stand your co-worker and you update your status message to tell us. All I’m thinking about is how I would never hire you. While there may be six degrees of separation in the real world, on facebook there is one degree of separation. I probably know your boss, your co-worker, and the next employer that you will send your resume to. By the way, you represent your company, even on facebook.
4) Badmouthing Your Significant Other
Maybe he/she cheated on you, broke your heart, talked about you, left you, or you just had an argument. You created a status update to vent. Are you guilty of this? Skip directly to number 5. Rule #4 offenders should not be reading this sentence right now. So you won’t know that most of us are soooo happy that we are not in a relationship with someone who lacks the judgment you lack by putting your business out to the world.
5) Using Facebook As a Diary
There are journals, diaries, and then there is facebook. A lot of people confuse the two. We don’t want to hear that you can’t sleep, that you are writing a thank you card to your Aunt Sara, that your girlfriend cheated on you, or what position you like the best. Some call it oversharing or cries for attention. Other’s call it the quickest way to get defriended or to make us click on the “hide this person’s status updates” button. Unless you are looking for a suggestion for a sleep lab, have a greeting card business that specializes in thank you cards, or are a red light industry worker, buy a journal and make it your new bff. Update your status 722 times a day if you like. Tell it how horrible your beau was. Hell, even tell it what you had for lunch. Just do it in your journal and not on facebook.
6) Posting personal information on someone’s wall
“I’m sorry you and your wife are getting a divorce.”
“I’m sorry that your mom died.”
“I heard that you aren’t graduating this year.”
“Tom said your house is in foreclosure. That sucks.”
All of these are statements that were posted on someone’s wall, instead of in a personal message or email to them. Not everyone wants to learn about a death, divorce, etc. on facebook. Some of us prefer to hear it directly from the individual, not because you posted it on their wall.
7) Tagging someone in a jacked up picture
If my full body is not in the picture, please don’t tag me. If my face looks like I smelled an old sweat sock, please don’t tag me. If my arm, foot, or my left pinky is in the picture, please don’t tag me. When in doubt, delete the picture or crop me out of it. Thank you.
8) Taking shirtless pictures and posting them as your profile pic
Are you Idris Elba? Are you Sean Connery circa 1965 or 1990? Are you the Old Spice guy making a commercial? No? Then we don’t want to see you on facebook without your shirt on. Cut it out. And ladies, a profile pic in your bra? Not a good look.
9) Allowing your pants to sag despite having a belt on
Sorry. I got carried away. I’ll save this topic for another day.