The Way We’re Told It Goes:
Meet The One…
1. Fall In BUTTERFLY Love
2. Have all the Feelings
4. Move Into Together: AKA YOU’VE CROSSED THE FINISH LINE! You’re done! Congrats, Cinderella! All that’s left now is: Happily Ever After!!!!!
The Way It Has Worked For Me:
Meet A Special One…
1. Fall in Butterfly Love
2. Have all the feelings
4. Move In Together – AKA Cross the STARTING LINE.
5. You’ve begun. Shit gets real. Grocery shopping and children and assembling furniture and navigating each other’s families and demons and other confusing, terrifying things keep happening.
6. Slowly understand that relationships are not what you thought it would be and your signicant other is not who you thought he’d be and additionally you are not who you thought you’d be.
7. Notice there are no more butterflies. Panic like bloody hell. Understand with mounting dread that LIFE has killed the butterflies and this must mean you have “fallen out of love.”
8. Look into separation.
9. Start to learn how horribly difficult it will be to separate for you and everyone you love and also – HOLY CRAP IT COSTS A LOT. Try to locate a path of less resistance. Search for some solution that is less emotionally and physically and mentally and financially expensive. It’s often not LOVE that makes us stay – but the expense of leaving. AND THAT’S OKAY.
10. Ask for help. Suggest meeting with experts, talk to wise people, read good books. Mostly, Be still and listen for The Next Right Thing in the quiet.Wait. Keep waiting. Make no decisions except what to do EXACTLY RIGHT NOW. Sit with the pain. Sit with the struggle. Sit with the uncertainty. Resist the relentless urge to deflect the pain, run from the pain, numb the pain with food- booze -work –future tripping- unkindness- false certainty -busyness or any other Wisdom Killer. Just Be Still and Wait.
11. SLOWLY embrace the truth that a million warriors have discovered before you – You have not FALLEN OUT OF LOVE. You have fallen out of infatuation AND INTO LOVE. Like it or NOT- THIS IS IT, SISTER. This is Love. It ain’t the Disney version- it’s the REAL version. The Disney version is easy and shiny and struggle free and happily ever after but the Real Version is about allowing struggle to morph you into a bigger, more spiritual being. Real love is about METAMORPHOSIS, and metamorphosis IS FIFTY SHADES OF PAIN – just ask the butterfly.
12. Start over every freaking morning.
13. Go to sleep every night feeling exhausted and blessed as hell.