(because he deserves a little bit of public praise once in a while)
When the teams ran out, the crowd was going crazy and the canons that shot out from the sides was an amazing sight. He looked over at me and the happiness on my face ensured him that he got the right gift. I was going crazy and cheering like there’s no tomorrow.
I was happy the game he bought tickets for, my team won. If you are a sports fanatic and haven’t experienced a game, I promise the experience is so so so worth it.
#anniversary #family #love #thisisus #mymarine #lifestyle #vacation #tampabay #williamkowalewski #aprilmcmanus #bestfriend #patriots #football #nfl #celebrating #nextstopcasino
I know that being happy can sometimes feel quite temporary and the little joys can easily get lost when you’ve had a bad day at work or been sat in traffic for two hours, so it’s great to remind ourselves of those little quirks that make us happy every now and again.
Without further ado, here are fifty of the things that make me happy (in no particular order).
That is a statement of fear and insecurity of your actions, fear of both future events and the need to rely on others in the future, particularly others in powerful positions. Those in powerful positions are more often that not weak. I say, the weak always crumble in the presence of the strong of head and heart. I say, walk with fire at your heels and only the wooden bridges will burn. The stone will stand. If I am not afraid to blaze my path with fire, the fire of strength, the oaks and mountains will be left standing, the weeds and shrubs ashed. Strength is painful, and the weak run from it or try to put it to death, such that the strong woman soon knows her friends, for only they are left standing when she has passed. And her friends will also be fiery of heart, for like attracts like, and therefore the path they burn together will only be stronger.
In the past and into the present, I have often felt like a flame in a weed patch, and all have tried to put me out. At more tender ages, my core was nearly cooled so that I might have joined the weed patch, but it was not to be. Now I feel the flame rising up within me, still tender and fearful of water but growing stronger daily, weekly, monthly. I hope one day to become the forest fire that levels dying forests and resets the clock to allow for fertile regrowth, that jumps mighty streams and rivers, that knows few boundaries, that rushes madly forward, unchecked, and dies in the process.
I know that if I am to survive and thrive that I will have to look deep inside myself and know who I am, what I stand for, and where I am going. And so I write, channeling the truth that was pouring out of me. This gem, as I see it in hindsight, is one of my first clear expressions of that. Give me the strength.
I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes
Hate in my heart, love in my mind
I seen nights full of pain, days of the same
You keep the sunshine, save me the rain
I search but never find, hurt but never cry
I work and forever try, but I’m cursed so never mind
And it’s worse but better times seem further and beyond
The top gets higher, the more that I climb
The spot gets smaller and I get bigger
Tryna get into where I fit in, no room for I
‘Cause all this bullshit, it made me strong
So I pick the world up and imma drop it on your damn head, yeah!
I know what they don’t wanna tell you
Just hope you’re heaven sent, and you’re hell proof
I walk up in the world and cut the lights off
And confidence is a stain they can’t wipe off
Uhhh, my word is my pride
But wisdom is bleak and that’s a word from the wise
Served to survive, murdered and bribed
And when it got too heavy I put my burdens aside
So I could pick the world up and imma drop it on your damn’ head, ha ha yeah!
It hurts but I never show, this pain you’ll never know
If only you could see just how lonely and how cold
And frostbit I’ve become, my back’s against the wall
When push comes to shove I just stand up and scream ‘Fuck ’em all! ‘
Man it feels like these walls are closin’ in
This roof is cavin’ in, but it’s time to raise it then
Your days are numbered like pages
And my book of rhymes got them crookin’ boy
This crooked mind of mine got them all shook
And scared to look in my eyes
I stole that damn clock, I took the time
And I came up from behind and pretty much snuck up
Better be careful when you bring my name up
But I swear one way or another I’m a make these damn haters believe it
I’m a woman of my word, so your damn heads better nod
My head is swole, my confidence is up
This stage is my pedestal, I’m unstoppable
I could run circles around you so fast your fuckin head’ll spin
Happy New Year 2014
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable. – C.S Lewis
I have always struggled with vulnerability. I like being strong; I’ve always had to be strong, and I have associated vulnerability with weakness for as long as I can remember. Of course in everyday life, it would be difficult for people to know this. I am seen as someone who is quite open and outgoing, at least to the extent that my demeanor is not mistaken for being a cold, unapproachable bitch. After all, I’m also seen as someone who is known for being blunt; the quintessential, “what you see is what you get” person.
Perhaps it’s through writing, perhaps it’s through getting older, but ultimately I’ve realized that I’m a really hard person to get to know. And very few people know even the half of it. I’m guarded and I don’t break easily; no matter how close I am to people, I know that most of them are still kept at a distance that is comfortable, a distance that won’t leave me exposed. I do not like to be vulnerable.
If we reveal our authentic selves, there is the great possibility that we will be misunderstood, labeled, or worst of all, rejected. The fear of rejection can be so powerful that some wear it like armor. I like to feel in control of situations, I like to feel that I am always secure and vulnerability gets in the way of that. When you’re vulnerable, your heart is wide open, you put your trust in somebody in the form of giving them the most precious thing you have – your heart. When you’re vulnerable you leave yourself available to be hurt and people hurt people. So I guess somewhere along the way, whether I realized it or not, I made the decision that vulnerability was not for me. I told myself that to be vulnerable would mean to give up my strength and I did not want to give it up. My construction of strength almost defined me. But the truth is I don’t like to be alone. I don’t want to choose it if I don’t have to.
Recently, I’ve been seeing the error in my thinking. I thought that vulnerability was the weaker position when it comes to love. But I’m realizing that the irony of vulnerability in love and in the pursuit of love is that you actually take the stronger position. When you put your heart on the line, when you give it to somebody and you tell them that it’s theirs to keep or break, when you expose who you are and all you are to somebody – that is one of the truest and best strength that there is. Vulnerability won’t be easy, it might be one of the hardest that I’m ever going to attempt. And it might go horribly wrong – I might get broken or damaged like so many others. But I’m not sure this unspoiled heart of mine is any better off. Loving anything and anyone ultimately comes with hurt and my attempt to not let people get close enough to hurt me has left me with a different kind of pain, a different kind of weakness – the weakness of regret and wonder. I think if I am to be truly strong, I think if any of us are, we have to be willing to expose ourselves and put ourselves through the greatest risk of all – which is love.
And in the words of C.S. Lewis, to love is to be vulnerable
P.S. A couple of nights ago I opened up & he did not judge me. I will work on showing the rest of the world too a little more of the complexity that is me.
April Lynn McManus