Cloud 9

Be careful that you don’t get carried into the clouds by wine, music, and fantasy. You may well end up crashing down to Earth.

Such Is Life

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An Amazing Beautiful Journey

 It always seems so much easier to hold everything in and try to ignore it. But in reality you never realize how hard it actually was until you let it flow out of you. I’m overflowing. And I’m exhausted. So tonight I grieve my childhood by saying goodbye to her. Like having a funeral without a body. I’ve said my goodbyes to her in my mind I think the next step for me in this process is to do something. A real something to say good bye. Because I owe her so much. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without her fighting so hard to endure.
Grieving for me is more then just walking around crying and wearing black. Its a chance to honor the deceased, remember them, and honor who them were. I exist today because of a child whose spirit had to die inside of a house filled with rage and anger. I wouldn’t be who I am had all those things not happened so I wish to honor who she was. She was smart, funny, loving, trusting, caring, and gentle. She had the ability to love more then she was ever loved herself. She was inquisitive and wanted to know about the world around her. Why was the grass green? Why was the sky blue? She loved asking questions even if they only one she could ask was god. She was independent and wise beyond her years. She was resilient and found ways to smile even when there was nothing to smile about, even when they tried to beat the smile  off of her lips. She lives on inside of me. I love her and want her to be a peace now.  Goodbye little one and thank you for fighting.

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As kids we would day dream…
that our parents were not my real parents. Somehow these people, imposters, had gotten a hold of us and our real family was out there somewhere searching for us. Our real parents were a King and a Queen from a magical land far far away and we were their princesses. We lost each other but we knew that they were still looking for us.  All the little girls they saw must have reminded them of us. So we drew pictures of crowns and the magical land and we taped them to my window because we just knew that they would find us. They would drive down the street and see those pictures and they would know that that’s the house that we were in. They would pull up to our house in a long white limo, and I would run to them and they would take us away. They would take us away from all the anger, hurt, fear and pain that this fake family had shown us.
 Though we knew it wasn’t real, the hope was enough in the moment.  Every night we would pray that our real family would finally knock on the door and bring me out of this house of terror. That they would save us from the pain and let us be a child, and we would run into their arms and forever we would stay. Sometimes I still pray for them to come, sometimes I still need arms to run into. 

It would be quite unfair to live in the shadows of “what could have been.”  This is life moving on. This is us moving down the path we’re on, doing our best to be more grateful for the blessings here and less obsessed with the roads we didn’t take. 

This is acceptance in progress.

April Lynn McManus

“Good Girl”

What’s the most romantic thing I could possibly do for myself? What about setting my alarm for the break of dawn and getting up even though it’s oh-so-early and going to sunrise yoga by myself? Really? Really! My best strategy for really making the most of my life is to get really, really good and grounded. Connect with myself. Connect with my feelings and emotions. Connect with my wants and my needs. Connect with my desires.

Now, breathe!

#April McManus
@April McManus

Like or Hate

Monday. There is never ever a dull moment in my life. Monday morning’s just seem to keep me on my toes a tad bit more than other days. So this morning I am sitting at my desk when I received this text from my oldest daughther:

“For the next 30 years you have to live with one person in the same room all the time. Afterwards you have to kill them. Would you choose someone you like or someone you hate?”

Thankfully, I have a good relationship with God. Naturally, I responded with kind words of wisdom: “Mari, I don’t hate anyone. I would ultimately have to choose someone I like. I am not the type of woman to let hate consume my heart.” Love Thy Neighbor

She has yet to answer her own question….
#April McManus