My moms first love was crack and she made a living laying on her back. Why is my mom a crackhead, and why does she continue choose drugs over me? There are many, many kinds of addictions — alcohol addiction, food addiction, pain killer addiction, pornography addiction, sex addiction, nicotine addiction, gambling addiction, so many others — including, in the case of my mom, drugs addiction. Every single addiction causes things to break. Broken lives. Broken relationships. Broken hearts — my heart, and God’s heart. And once the pieces of our lives, relationships, and hearts lie broken, it’s so hard, if not impossible, ever to put them back together. But I do know, and over the years have met, scores of people with a variety of addictions. And so far as I know, every single one of them at some point in their past made a fateful choice. My mom my must’ve point of desperation in her life, and thought that smoking or swallowing or inhaling or injecting drugs into her body would dull the pain for just a few precious moments. Who am I to judge? I am just as guilty, as you see I turned to drugs to numb the pain of her and my father. Maybe my father, her husband broke her soul and spirit like he did to me for so many years. My mother has a tortured soul but she gave me away the day she picked up that pipe.
I am torn now, my mom needs me now more than ever. I was told on June 17, 2021 she was admitted into the hospital and isn’t expected to live much longer. For the past couple of weeks I have been holding this conflicting pain and sadness inside. She has pushed me away for nearly 25 years. However now she needs me to show her the highest form of love in the Universe. We call it unconditional love. The same kind of love that God has for me, and for my mom.
God loves my mom no matter what, addictions included. I mean, if anyone should feel rejection, as if your mom is choosing drugs over Him, it’s God. But He “gets” that it’s not personal with Him either. So in spite of her addiction, God loves my mom. I now have a golden opportunity to learn to love her in exactly the same way that God loves me … God will always love me, no matter what. As I learned today:
“People need love the most when they are the most unlovely.” so does my mom.
I am on my way back to Texas. Thanks for listening … I’ve been needing to cry this out for so many years.
XOXO
April McManus
This picture take of my mom on June 17, 2021 – I guess I am on my way to see her even though she gave me away the day she picked up that pipe. She is a cactus kinda like me. It will hurt you to hold it but it blooms every spring.
April McManus - Connecting With Life 