Eight years ago I was a suburban mom with three healthy kids, 2 dogs, the Marine hisband, the colonial two-story house with more rooms than we knew what to do with. Two new cars, a pool in the large backyard and all in the confines of our white picket fence. Everything seemed to be perfect because I kept it looking that way. I was the one who kept it all together. I made sure that even the closest of friends and family saw that I had it all together. It’s a full-time job to not be who you really are, to get what you really want or accept that things are not what they seem to be.
Fast-forward to June 20, 2021 … my point of exhaustion hit!!! Crap just started falling apart and there was nothing I could do any more to keep it together. I tried. If you know me, like REALLY know me, you know I tried. The judgments have come and gone on whether I did or didn’t and the questions on what happened. I take them with a grain of salt because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
COURAGE TO CHANGE: It’s none of your business why someone’s marriage ends unless the person going through the divorce offers the information.
After Cory’s death, one of the hardest parts I did not deal with is letting go of my dreams. My “white picket fence” dream. Growing up, because of my parent’s divorce, I didn’t get the family I thought I needed. As an adult, I knew I wanted the “stereotypical suburban family” for myself. I STRIVED for that in my own relationship more than anyone can imagine. That’s where I think it went wrong. There was too much thinking with my head, I wanted too many “perfect on paper” things, and because of life circumstances at the time, I made decisions based on fear and panic. I forgot that my heart needed to catch up. Now old wounds are showing up. My heart hasn’t ’t done me too much good in the past and, I am leery.
COURAGE TO CHANGE: Trust your gut. A woman’s gut instinct is rarely wrong.
I am now realizing I need to mourn the loss of the life I had. I miss it. I truly long for the days it all seemed right, where it felt safe, and I believed I had everything. There is a type of mourning that takes place when you let go of your dreams. The enormous amounts of guilt and regret I feel can be overwhelming. I question decisions I made and why I wouldn’t have chosen a different path.
I remember that everything happens for a purpose, a reason and a plan. I am someone who loves a schedule, who’s anxiety needs stability and likes things organized and to make sense. A separation and then his death put all those things up in the air, and as they are falling down, you need to catch them and find a new place for it all to exist. I am doing just that. As much as I hate the term “journey,” this is mine. The woman who I was always meant to be is lost, and only I could be the one to find her. She is a pretty amazing woman and mother and, I’m not sure why I ever put her away. The friendships that I have, continue to carry me through and my family has never wavered in their support. Most importantly, there are the three amazing kids that think I am nailing motherhood.
COURAGE TO CHANGE: Find the people who love the real you and support that version.
My new dream is now much different It is one with success, happiness, honesty, and love. I want to listen to my heart and gut to help follow these dreams. It feels like the goals are being met, the progress is moving forward and I am finally being 100% myself. I am the only one who can make the new dreams a reality and I refuse to screw it up. I am letting go of my white picket fence and learning there is a life and love outside of it. There is always a certain amount of sadness of what “could have been” but I have more excitement of what will be.
XOXO April
April McManus - Connecting With Life 